yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Randomize
