so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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