Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
