I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
We named our party play list daddy issues
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
