the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
