Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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