I'm really into asian looking animals
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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