If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
