My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
