you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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