One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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