Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
