I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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