Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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