today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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