what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
