shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
