omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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