There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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