Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
