So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
