shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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