we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
