Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
