NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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