You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
