I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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