I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
