i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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