I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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