fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
