Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
