after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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