If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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