i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
