Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
