You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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