6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
