i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
