We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
