two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
