just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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