we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
