i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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