everyone is single if you try hard enough
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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