Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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