be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
