It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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