anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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