ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
