i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you traded sex for a burrito?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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