Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
