My liver just broke up with me...
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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