Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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